I was watching an episode of the Home and Garden show "NEAT", which is a show where a crew comes in to help clutterbugs reorganize and systematize their homes. There is major change going on for the homeowners, including a lot of tossing out, giving away and rearranging of their home and life.
I turned to Rob, my life partner and even though I am an Amiable personality type which means I am into teamwork and everyone getting along, I said "If I was honest with myself, I think I would turn into Linda Blair's possessed character from the Exorcist if people started trying to force me into so much change."
Amiables, by tradition, do not adapt as well to change, but all personalities if they are not consciously aware of it or do not have positive, accepting ways of handling it, will go into resistance when someone imposes change on them. Even if the other person is including the first person in the decision-making process for the change, the simple fact that the other person initiated the change is enough to throw the first person into resistance.
This is a major power struggle is that hidden in most relationships that result in one person feeling threatened or encroached upon by the change and the other person feeling attacked or even abandoned because the first person is resisting their plans.
In an article prepared by the City of Winnipeg Employee Assistance Program, 1992. They have the following to say about change:
"Change is always a new opportunity and a loss of the familiar.
Change is a shift in what is required, anticipated and valued, so we must move differently and that requires energy... change requires energy.
Expect a variety of reactions to big changes. If you are not part of what's making the change happen, you may feel threatened and react automatically with anger, blaming, fear or some other style. What's your style?
Slow-to-be- realized- changes may be ever more threatening, and so you put the idea of what's happening out of your mind as much as possible. This is like the death of someone close to you, that you don't want to face. Expect the three stages of Resisting the Change, Accepting the Transition, and Opening up to a New Beginning.
Resisting is about denial, then anger, and then bargaining urgently to keep the old ways.
Accepting Transition is to first appreciate, and then get upset over what is being lost (mourning). Then we can accept the task of getting along without. Naturally, there is a time "in between" when we feel lost and without motivation or direction.
Finally, after some experimentation, we can become enthusiastic about some New Beginning.
It all takes time. Be aware of what you are up to, you can take care of yourself."
Now instead of trying to change the stages, it is more important to just be aware of them. You can then gently flow through the stages without further resistance or without being down on yourself for reacting a certain way. It is also important for your partner to understand the stages too so they know not to take it personally and not be in resistance to you either.
I was unconsciously going through the stages when Rob and I were doing some major renovations in our house. I was trying not to resist and feeling bad because I felt like I was being a stick in the mud, although I was trying not to. Once I realized the stages though, it really helped by just allowing the stages, and it became easier and easier to adapt to change.
In addition to accepting the stages, here are few positive beliefs to keep in mind about changes:
o Change is a chance for new opportunities and to learn new things.
o There is nothing to feel bad about if there is something that you need to change about yourself. You are perfect to begin with, if you find out the reality about yourself and that there is something you need to change, you are actually rediscovering your true self that has been lost during your life experiences.
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