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How many frightened people have you talked to lately? Although we often try to hide our fear while we are at work, often our fear is also at work, changing what we see, what we want and what we are willing to share. Experienced coaches know that rapport is the foundation of what they do. The question is: how do you form a connection with someone who is frightened without picking up their fear? It is a particularly pressing question when the air is ringing with bad economic news and our coaching clients face the real prospect of increased workloads, layoffs and economic disasters.
Entering the tight, useful rapport necessary for great coaching takes a high level of intention at all times. During frightening times, it takes extra layers of intention to connect appropriately with clients. The first step is to clear your own state. Your fear is unlikely to be helpful to your clients: it might be a point of connection but it will hold you both in a bad place. Before you meet with someone you know is scared, gather your own resources. Find the part of you that is focused and confident, and enter that role fully.
Do a very quick calibration as you meet your client in person or on the phone. Take on aspects of the client's facial and vocal expression, breathing pattern and movements. As you do, notice how your own state changes. If you begin to notice signs of fearfulness, you can assume that fear is present in your client. You will need to create an interruption that allows you to separate from the fear without losing your connection with your client. Do something out of character or surprising. You do not have to be wonderfully creative: dropping your pen and bending over to pick it up will be enough to give you a moment to enter back into your focused and confident self.
The next step is to build rapport through language. Focusing on words will allow you to connect with your client without picking up the physiological symptoms of fear. To use words most effectively, begin by listening. Echo words, phrases or language patterns used by your client. Sending back exactly what you are hearing will help your clients to stabilize their own thoughts and states. They will have the chance to notice what they are saying in a new way, supported by the knowledge that they are being heard. We all like to be heard.
Now it is time to do the real work. If you have studied the Enneagram, you will have a head start in identifying the answers to two key questions: what is your client afraid of and how is that fear useful to him/her? The Enneagram is a system for understanding personality type through characteristic fears and motivations. Is your client habitually driven by fear or is there something in the situation that exploits a particular vulnerability? Is s/he more afraid of being ignored, being shamed, or being hurt? Is s/he afraid of having too much control or of being controlled? Is the fear motivating or paralyzing? The Enneagram provides ways of noticing clues and patterns that get you and your clients to the answers more quickly.
With experience, you can form a rapid, effective hypothesis about the precise cause of your client's fear. This allows you to offer strategies and stories that directly leverage points and move your client from fear to freedom of choice. As a coach, you are most effective when you make your clients aware that they have choices and they are capable of making good choices. Through rapport, you can allow your clients to connect with your confidence and discover their own. This confidence is more substantial and enduring when it grows out of the core personality.
You can reach that core personality by combining a genuine focus on connecting, an awareness of the information communicated through physiological connections, and an understanding of typical human patterns like those defined by the Enneagram. No one layer of connection is enough to shift fear and reveal new choices. Multiple layers of rapport allow you to maintain your own confidence, build confidence in your client, and create new opportunities in scary times.
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